Author : Susan Reimer-Torn
Visibility Challenge:Women over forty often feel a certain creeping invisibility in both social and professional spheres. People simply don't seem to see them, or if they do, they do not register any real interest. In my specialty, coaching women for more visibility, I often encounter women who self sabotage with choices and behaviors that limit the very visibility they seek. Here's the surprising factor: The problem is not as often giving up on visibility as it is actually trying too hard to get it.Not long ago, I had a quiet dinner with one of New York's most compulsively visible fifty-plus socialite icons. Her lips were inflated with silicone, her reconstructed breasts were ballooning over her tightly laced corset, her eyes were heavily weighted with false lashes. She confided in me her weariness. Maintaining her super size image was no small burden to her. She could never leave the house, even for a jog, without spending at least an hour on her make-up. She felt obligated to be seen seven nights a week in various seasonal in-spots around the world. When home in New York City, she allowed herself to be out of the public eye two Sunday nights per month. She confessed that these were her favorite evenings of all. When I asked her why with her wealth and celebrity she could not allow herself more of these nights off, she sighed deeply over the danger of disappearing in the public eye. "I have to be seen all the time, or I don't exist."This was not merely a watchword for continued self- promotion. She was expressing a very deep-seeded fear. The only evidence she had of her own existence was its confirmation on a world stage. Take that away, or stop feeding it and she ceased to believe in her own existence. What to do about a need for visibility that is 1- compulsive and insatiable and 2 – masks deep fears of "not existing" outside of others' gaze?The Antidote to Invisibility:A drive for visibility that is rooted in fear of non-existence will be energy-draining, and perpetually unsatisfied. It is characteristic of people who have no firmly established sense of self and who fear solitude, silence and self-seeing of any sort. This is sometimes known as fear of the void or "insubstantiality." Dr Mark Epstein, noted author and psychiatrist, writes, "The core, the incommunicado element is really a fear of our own insubstantiality." Most of us are not afflicted to the extreme of the headline-grabbing socialite. But each of us can benefit from questioning the motivation for the visibility needs which we do have. The more these needs are fed by the fear of invisibility, or the dread of "insubstantiality", the less likely they are ever to yield sustainable satisfaction.Fear of becoming invisible often make women go overboard in their quest without considering what it is they want to be seen and appreciated for. The trouble is, visibility pursued for its own sake often results in just the opposite of its desired effect. People sense you are hogging the spotlight, they even "smell" your fear of being ignored and both of these are lethal to attraction.The Invisible Remedies that Make a Visible Difference :- Consciously spend time each day being visible only to yourself, or to 1 or 2 loved ones. Invisibility is a state rich with possibilities..- The writer, St Exupery said, "What is essential is invisible to the eye.' ' Make a list of the essential things about you and decide how much visibility and/or invisibility they need to be nourished.- . Like exposure to the sun, begin in small doses and increase your "invisibility time" incrementally. You will find your visibility rating will rise in direct proportion to your increased comfort with its inescapable flip side – time out to be alone and unseen.- Ask yourself every day what it is that really matters to you. When you are motivated by a meaningful purpose, it pulls you forward and attracts others -effortlessly. Visibility is a gratifying by-product of going forth into the outer arena well aligned with the dictates of your true self. Think of it as heart and mind manifesting (going from invisible to visible) and you will find yourself basking in the limelight without really trying.Susan Reimer Torn, IAC certified coach is a published author, acclaimed speaker and workshop leader specializing in supporting women over 40 upgrade their visibility. Visit http://www.visibilityproject.com to find out more about being seen and appreciated for who you really are.
Keyword : women, attraction, relationships, midlife, visibility, self-development, coaching, self help, love,
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