Author : Mary Jo Asmus
Dear Leader,I've been working with you and watching you for awhile and, quite frankly, you talk too much. I feel breathless sometimes just trying to keep up with everything you say you know.When we talk privately, you mention that you are afraid of being caught "not knowing." As a leader, you believe that you are expected to have all the answers. So you study long, hard hours learning what you think you might need to know for your next encounter or meeting. Maybe you do this because you fear that you'll lose control in some way – or maybe you just want to win the next disagreement. Whatever the reason, I'm sad that you expend so much of your energy this way. Although knowing is often important to the work you do, there is another, sometimes better way to learn while also developing deep and respectful relationships.Let go of needing to knowTo begin, let go of the notion that you are less of a leader if you don't know the answers. You can never be totally prepared for all of the potential questions you will face. So what would happen if you decided to be curious in your next meeting, discussion or encounter? How wonderful would it be if you were surprised by what you hear when you listen deeply and actively to another person? Is there something new you might learn by listening? What might intense listening do for your relationships and connections with others?I read recently that when a person really feels heard, they release endorphins (biochemicals that make us happy). The fact is that people would rather be heard than hear your answers to everything. They mostly don't care about all of the stuff you know. They just want to tell their story and be listened to.Practice not having all the answersTest it for yourself. What can you gain by trying to listen… by being curious… by waiting to be surprised?• Try listening consistently to one individual. This may be someone about whom you have made a negative judgment – perhaps one of those "difficult" relationships. Make the commitment to yourself that you will suspend judgment and deeply listen each time you meet with this person.• Let your natural curiosity take over. Ask questions that are open-ended and allow the person to tell his/her story. These questions often begin with the word "what." Then listen deeply and actively to this person's answers.• Gauge what it felt like to "not know." Was it as frightening as you thought it might be? What did you learn from the other person? What surprised you about what they said? Did your surprise allow you to open up and challenge your own knowledge or beliefs? Did your listening help you to learn anything about yourself or the other person? Did it improve your relationship with that person?In the end, you don't need to have all of the answers, but you should have some of the questions. It's amazing what you will learn when you come from a place of not knowing.And finally, what freedom to act could you have if you knew that "not knowing" would liberate you to be a better leader?All my best,
Mary JoMary Jo Asmus, president of Aspire Collaborative Services LLC, specializes in Leadership and Organizational Development by partnering with CEO's, executives, professionals, teams, and small business owners to support and facilitate achievement of goals toward business excellence. Mary Jo's global Fortune 500 background in business areas as diverse as human resources, research and development, organizational development, and business strategy allow her to provide valuable insights about leadership and organizational systems. Learn more about Mary Jo at http://www.aspire-cs.com or contact her at mary.jo.asmus@aspire-cs.com.
Keyword : leader, leadership, listening, questions, relationships, curiosity, management, manager
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