Author : Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
A psychologist recently asked her ezine readers the question, "Who, in your life, would really benefit from your forgiveness, if only you could give it?" This question perpetuates the misunderstanding that forgiveness is for the benefit of the other person.The majority of people have this common misunderstanding about, who forgiveness is for. However, it is shocking to realize a psychologist misunderstands this concept as well.The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think that forgiveness is something we do for the other person because we are superior to them or self-sacrificing and magnanimous. We believe the other person has done us harm, but, we, being the morally superior one, the more religious one; and, in our magnanimous generosity, forgive them.Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for oneself. We can find the truth of this in the meaning of the word 'resentment.' Resentment means to feel again. As long as we hold resentment we are feeling that hurt again and again and it keeps us from living, growing and understanding. It puts a damper on our lives. It saps our energy and clouds our perceptions.The first time somebody hurts you in some manner, it is his/her responsibility/burden, but every time you allow that hurt to come into your soul after that, you bear responsibility/burden for it. Hatred, it has long been said, is a knife one wields by the blade. Forgiveness is something that one does for oneself, a way for one to go on with one's life, to avoid having that other person's wrong-doing on your mind, robbing you of energy, robbing you of happiness, and continuing to yield the same amount of hurt over and over again.All Spiritual practices are unanimous on this concept: The contraction of the heart that comes about because of resentment, of holding grudges, of the inability to let go of a 'wrong' is inexplicably painful. And not only that, it is spiritually debilitating, because all of those traits and characteristics and potentials that we have within us that is the business of spirituality to bring forth in us: openness to others; a lack of self-confidence; the ability to reach out, maintaining a connection with ourselves at our deepest level, with other people at their essence, with this wonderful world, all those traits, the best parts of our nature, that spirituality at its best helps us to cultivate; all of those are crippled by resentment.Another misunderstanding is that forgiveness and reconciliation occur simultaneously. It is wonderful if it does, but forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive someone—you can let them back into your heart, you can understand that their behavior is not the whole of their personality and their personhood. You can understand what has occurred; you can see the misunderstandings that are there. Forgiveness is truly opening your heart to that person, but not necessarily having them in your life. It doesn't mean that you have to maintain the relationship. It means that you have healed the hurt they inflicted on you; that it is no longer commandeering your happiness; that you have taken back your power by understanding the flawed humanity of the other person and let them go from your heart and open yourself to wishing them well. If you do not feel safe having them back in your life, you can still forgive them.Forgiveness is an act of healing your hurt without condoning the unskillful or hurtful acts of other people. In religious counseling, we are taught to 'turn the other cheek,' or 'let a by-gone be a by-gone. The spiritual meaning of 'turn the other cheek,' is to recognize the other person's behavior and avoid reacting in kind. Letting a by-gone be a by-gone means that we 'let the other person off the hook.' This, not only, will not work, it causes another layer of harm to the person, who is struggling with the hurt from another person. It is difficult for human beings to forgive if one is allowing themselves to be continually harmed. The task of setting boundaries and stopping the person from hurting you is formidable, but possible. Many people have forgiven and established a friendship with people who have killed or gravely harmed their loved one. This is testimony that forgiveness is a natural part of the human experience if we forgive for ourselves rather than forgiving for the other person.Forgiveness is a process. It is not an act of will to forgive. Saying, "I forgive you,' when you have had little time to process the egregious act you experienced is foolhardy and seldom works. Forgiveness is an act of grace after having adequate time to process the experience; not an act of will and it is something each person needs to arrive to in their own time and process. It is unrealistic to expect one to 'will' oneself to forgive, but one can be willing to forgive. That is an important distinction. One can be willing to forgive by letting go, allowing the heart time to understand, soften and open again, because keeping the heart closed hurts every aspect of your being—mind, body and spirit.Last, but not least—I wish you well on your journey to forgiveness to create peace of mind and happiness.Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, international speaker and inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net
Keyword : forgive, self-esteem, confidence, forgiveness, hate, anger, rage, porn, sex, fetish, energy, hatred
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